i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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