You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i will never coherently bang her
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
