Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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