So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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