I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
