I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
