I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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