I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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