So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
