Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Houston, we have a blender
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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