I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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