The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
