I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
