Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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