I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
