I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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