1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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