Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
