she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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