Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
