Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Say something about gay babies.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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