Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
