i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
