There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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