so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
