that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
