Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
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