happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
