You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
