Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i came on her dog
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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