i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
