He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
