I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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