:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
