Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
