The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He told me they were just razor bumps!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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