i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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