just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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