Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
