i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
