Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
