I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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