he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
