His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
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