...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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