I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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