I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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