apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
