You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
