Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
