Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
