Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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