You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
