Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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