you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
