Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
