does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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