new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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