i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
