so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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