my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
