dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
