i think my tv is drunk
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
