I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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